Sunday, December 30, 2012

Starting the year with silence!!!.... what??! :)

Hmmm, is it strange to say that I’ve been a super happy sad person for the last month? My life, my friends, my surroundings, my situation, my luck-- all these things collaborate in the most amazing fashion in order to provide me with an extremely happy soul. I really do have amazzzing friends, family and everyday just grand experiences.  Not to mention this is my favorite time of year.  I love a season of thanks and fall colors and lights and cinnamon and holiday cheer and christmas music! Life is good... but I have to admit, I was in a funk. 

Reverse culture shock? Too many couches? Not enough consistency? A love affair lost?  Big bills and uncooperative contacts? Lack of a clear purpose?  Not enough balance? No clue what’s next? Orrr... a combo of all of these? ahhh yes, it’s been an unanswered questions overload.  It’s reasonable to say this hasn’t been my best month ever, but only because there’s been this bummer cloud following me. By all other standards it’s still been wonderful: Lobsters, birthdays, 12/12/12, art projects, movie nights, paddleboarding, heart-to-heart talks, amazing friends/hosts, chiaaps, my family, old friends, the fantastic beauty of Washington state, and Christmas for goodness sake!! The biggest bummer was just knowing I wasn’t my normal happy-go-lucky self, and it's obviousness made my friends sad that I was sad!!  I’m a ‘wear-my-heart-on-my-sleeve’ type gal :). It’s not that I dislike a minor glum spell. I’ve had 11 months of ridiculous fantastic-ness in 2012....I’m pretty okay with a month of slight bumming :) It’s what I like to call a ‘necessary lull’. If it was always roses and rainbows and obvious yellow brick roads to follow, I think gratitude and appreciation would have a chance to wither.  Sometimes then, you need to go thru periods of tears and dead ends, knowing it will all work out eventually :).  Life is good like that. 

My return to USA brought some things to light. First off, I’ve mentioned many a times this pull I feel towards the inward, being solitary, quiet. I even wrote this whole blog about the fabulousness of ‘Aloneness’, yet over and over I find myself being Miss Socialite.  Since I first discovered meditation last December I’ve known it was something I needed to incorporate into my daily life...but it’s been a battle!!!  I’ve been blessed with the ability to be both an extrovert and an introvert, but with the curse of not having yet found a balance between the two.  Espppppecially once I got back to the US!  

When in a social setting, I can play that role to a T. I’ve always made my entrance, sought out being the center of attention, taken on a leader role no problem. It makes sense in that I love more than anything to share. Share joy, ideas, inspirations, fun.... so what’s up with this alone business?? I’ll never be some calm zen master.  I suppose I could attend an exciting event, hear good news, or see something beautiful and just quietly reflect on it, but I’d much rather shout and jump and be enthusiastic about it :). It brings too much joy to my life, to let the elixir out.  It courses thru my veins, waiting somewhat impatiently for an excuse to burst out! 

With that being said... I’m confused! I like wild and social, I also like quiet and alone. hmm.   For right now, Im exhausted!!!! The wise proverb ‘quality over quantity’ has infiltrated my physche and will not be ignored. Maybe it’s because I’m getting older, or maybe it’s only temporarily, but the fact is, my body is talking. Recognized wisdom says ‘listen to your heart’... in this case I can’t ignore it, it’s screaming at me, becoming a reaaaalll pain. It says BE STILL!  Sloooooow down.  Think, write, read, make, sit, watch, listen, love, nuture.  Is this the internal clock you hear that women have? Is it an actual physical feeling?  Or maybe it’s just me morphing into this thing called ‘adulthood’ :). Whatever it is, it’s pissed off at me for partying my ass off and not giving it even a bit of a routine! I traveled for ten months and barely had a whisper of a sound about stopping. I’ve been in the US for 3 months and I’m pooped!!! 

anddd.....My 23 year old boyfriend broke up with me. Ha. I say that to be funny, but I must give credit; he was much older than his years, in all ways except the experience of those extra years. It was a doomed relationship from the start, one I NEVER saw coming. What was supposed to be some hottie mc-tottie fun before I left... turned into a merging of two twin souls. I spent the last 15 months in love with him, knowing it had little chance of survival but unable to resist our bond. “It’s impossible to be wise and in love at the same time.” says Bob Dylan. I do believe he’s right :).   Even when you know something to be ill-fated, when your heart gets involved it’s easy to hold on to the feel-goods rather than the facts.  I feel lucky it happened in the way it did. I got to be in love with a wonderfully dynamic person over the course of my whole trip, and being in love is one of the most amazing and wonderful things you can be.  I wasn’t thinking or hoping to meet anyone, nor did I care about makeup or fashion or my appearance in general (okay, that’s quite typical!).  I wasn't worried about going where people would be, happily spent much time alone, and didn’t get distracted by the advances... I got to just focus on myself :). The ending has certainly been sad, but I wouldn’t take it back. We got a lot from each other and I think I ended up on the better end of the deal. You learn something from every experience and I undoubtedly learned a lot from this one (a novel in itself!). My tireless belief that everything happens as it should keeps me from staying too bummed. I know what it’s like to feel a need to do your own thing in life, so I can’t even be upset. In faaaaaact... I feel some real empathy for him. Give or take 5 year he’ll want to kick his own ass for letting me go ;) haaaaa!

"I'm a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them in mutual weirdness and call it love".  

In the end, I had to step back and look at the situation from an objective perspective. Stop with the ‘what-if’s’ and the ‘maybe’s’ and ask, What do I want? What is my purpose, my goal, my ambition? I realized I had been waiting/hoping to see what ‘we‘ were going to do next, all the while sidestepping the important question:  What do I really want? Wow. Having a direction is quite important to me, that’s my left-brained side talking. It’s been really pestering me, this question of what I want to do next.  I know, but I don't know or I'm not ready yet (says my right-brained side!). The solution is in not worrying about what I don't know, but singling out what I do know.... 

I want peace and quiet and nature :).  SOOOO, I’m going to a meditation and yoga center for three months in the mountains!! Yaaaaay! It’s not the final answer, but it’s a step!  This opportunity happened by odd chance.  When Ryan and I applied for the Amazing Race, I really thought we had a chance of making the show!  I had been pondering going to South America, but didn’t know if I’d be in the middle of the amazon jungle when they called and it’d be a mission to get back, so I did a search in California. This place popped up, I started correspondence with them, and it just seemed waaaaay perfect. We’ve since learned we didn’t make the Amazing Race (although they did actually call us! asked us for a second video and the guy even wrote that is was great and he pushed for us, but the main casting director x’d us. At least we made it that far!!) But, now I feel like WOW, maybe all this was just life getting me to this place called Pleasant Valley Sanctuary. Who knows?!  I’m always optimistic! :)

Last year when I stayed at the Samaya Ashram in Australia, I had the most wonderful experience. I had no idea what I was getting into, but ended up loooooving that place and really felt a shift in me. I don’t know if this new place will do the same, or something better, or nada, but if nothing else it will give me a place to rest, to settle a bit, hang my coat, unpack my bag, be in the mountains and have lots of time to let the pull of my soul guide me. 

So I was in a funk, maybe even a little still, but it’s not really a funk. It’s more like just a less blissful state that I’m usually in :).  It’s a state of less answers, but not less gratitude. I still feel blessed and lucky, and aware that I need these times as much as I need the off-the-charts amazing times. This way I can be excited to get out of the funk... back to the funky :)  

2012, you’ve been amazing. For sure the most amazing year of my life!!!  We had a little lull here at the end, but I’ve had enough of that. Gloomy cloud, you’re booted to the curb!!!  Just in time for the amazingness that will be 2013!!!!!  Yippee!!

With all the love that my soul always holds, I wish you nothing but what is needed in your life this year :). I hope that’s lots of happiness, joy, kindness, gratitude. Love for yourself. Compassion for others. Lots of laughter. Courage to try new things, and when (if!) you happen to have some 'necessary lulls' of your own, I wish you the wisdom to see the beauty and benefit of it. AND, that your path (and mine) will be just as obvious so as not to lose it, but not so straight to be boring! 

Happy New Year!! 
ps... it's snowing right now!!! yaaayyy!