Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Refuse the Dinner Date

All the single ladies!  All the single ladies! Put your hands up ... and then hurry and hide the left one under your shirt ;). 

This blog is dedicated all the wonderful single ladies I know, or don't know:).
Well, I guess it is for single boys too... just substitute 'he' for 'she'  and think broadly :)
Oh, and it's for gay/lesbian/bi-sexual singles too... I support all love! Exchange pronouns as necessary.
....Oh hell, it's for married people too... you'll get the point ;)

I love being single! I loveeee being single! I love being single!!!

I’m writing this because I’m in my 30's, and I'm happy to admit that I love being single... and I think you should love it too :). For some silly reason, single women start to think they are running out of time around this point. Someone says, “Oh you’re single? How old are you again?”  and she starts thinking she must be unlovable, something must be wrong with her. She’s feeling lonely, feeling bored, and doesn’t know what to do next, so she starts looking for someone to make the next direction of life more clear.   Thinking that if she meets someone, then the next phase will be being a good wife! and then a good mother!  The danger with that is, you’re relying on someone else to decide your fate. 

Ask yourself this question:

If you knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that you would never have a lasting relationship, what would you do with your life?  

Do you have a long term goal? Would you change careers? Go back to school? Start a business? Would you find something to dedicate your life to? A cause? A movement? Would you advocate for the weak, for peace, for the environment, for animals, for injustice? Would you learn something new? Try your hand at art? Music? Teaching? Write a book? Start a blog? What’s your passion? Do you envision your gift to the world to be being the best friend imaginable? Or becoming an amazing mother? (Me too! I can’t wait!!!)  I think being an amazing mother is one of the most important things we can do. So could you volunteer with children? Could you inseminate? Could you adopt?  I’d love to see adoption become easier--- Hey, there’s an idea!!  Let’s get 1000’s of women to campaign, crusade, and advocate for improving the adoption system!!!  (if you could get that finished within 6-7 years that'd be awesome, hint, hint, thanks ;)

I love being single, because I love the feeling of loving being single. hah :). Meaning, I’ve got no rush, no ticking time clock, no urgency to go out, no desire to date or pressure to partner up -- because I’m happy.  Not just happy... I'm on fire with happy... and I've got a mission :).

Warning: Being truly happy is dangerous when you want to stay single... think about it ;)

Continuing the theme of recent blogs...I am high on life!!!! Utterly overflowing with positivity, with joy, with glee, and with ideas... I can’t get them out fast enough! Yes, I traveled and accomplished and achieved and have done ridiculously amazing things... yet I’ve never been happier than I am right now.  Harbored up indoors, glued to my computer,  spending 8, 10, upwards of 12 hours a day working on my business plans. I’m settling in, I’m eating right, I’m exercising, it’s all coming together beautifully.  At one point I might have called it luck, but it's not, it's confirmation that I'm on the right path. My heart, mind, soul and body are all aligned, each telling me it’s now time to give back... and I’m listening :).  It doesn’t feel like work because it’s a passion. Living the life I want is indistinguishable from helping others live the life they want! 

... And having a partner, spouse, boyfriend- although extremely rewarding- still takes some serious effort! Completely, totally, amazingly worth-it effort (which can be oh so very funnnnn), but effort nonetheless :).  I know that one day he’ll just walk into my world and I’ll most likely think, ‘shit... okay... ready or not... I’ve got to make time and space for this one.’ 

If you are single, consider yourself lucky. You have the opportunity to work towards getting happy, which entails having a purpose and feeling a sense of contribution to the world.  That’s the first step, just understanding that. You don’t have to avoid all suitors until then, and there’s not a magical line above which you’ve reached it... just keep it always in your mind, to love yourself and let yourself really live. Go back to that question... if it was always just going to be you, you wonderful you, what would you do? Find and follow your passion. If you’re already doing that--- rock on, I'm stoked for you!  If you're already in a relationship- that's great too, I hope it's wonderful and I truly hope he/she supports you in still finding or following your dreams, and you of theirs, and how nice even if those dreams coincide.

I would so adopt Calvin ;)

Now, I’ll finish all that up by saying there’s absolutely nothing wrong with wanting a partner, nor is there anything wrong with seeking one. I’m all for internet sites (there’s another opportunity to advocate against a stereotype!!!) and putting yourself in situations where you’ll meet people with similar values. In a few years whenever I get this business up and running I might start searching too. I’m simply saying... if you want a relationship, want one so that you can share your happiness... not to give you happiness. 

Soooo, with that... If you find yourself attracted to someone, I have one more piece of handy-dandy advice:

Refuse the dinner date!!!

The point of going on a date with someone is because something about them has intrigued you, and you want to know more about that person. In essence, so you can decide if you want to go on another date, right?  Pursue them as a potential long-term companion? (taking out the young 20's somethings here who just want a... 'friend') The more informed you are the better, because there’s a really good chance you can get hooked by the things that aren’t important. Like his charming smile and the size of his biceps. Like the price of the bill, the car he picks you up in, or the prestige of his achievements.  The compliments given, the brand of his clothes, and quite possibly even the hormones in your pants or the alcohol in your veins. 

(Ever heard of beer goggles people?? Hello! If you are looking for more than a fling, or a relationship based on more than phenomenal sex, don’t get drunk! ) 

People can SAY anything they want... better to see what they DO. Our intuitions are powerful, magnificent, incredible machines that quite often get burned out, or even turned off, if you’re not in a good place on your own (see above point!!). You’re looking for substance and character, not just the ability to have a good conversation. ‘Actions speak louder than words’ is brilliant advice. Pretty much anyone with some social skills can have a nice conversation. Why not have a conversation while also getting a peek into how that person interacts? Cooperates? Connects.. with you and with others? Genius!!!  

Bonus---play can be free!!!

Plato knew his shit!!!! So, go play bingo! Go to the fair! Take one of those new paint classes or just find something fun on groupon!!! Anything really! My favorite?  Go on a leisurely bike ride! Anything that involves an action! Does that person ask you where you want to go? Do they let you ride next to them or stay in front? Do they stop for the old lady on the side of the road? Do they go so fast you can’t keep up? Do they stop to smell the roses?? Do they sneak peeks of you when you are not looking? Do they complain about the humidity or praise the blue sky? Positivity is actually more important to me than whether or not he’s got a job ;). 

Dinner is just sitting and talking.... add ANY other element, and you still get to talk, but you get to see SO MUCH MORE!!!! Put together a piece of ikea furniture. Have him teach you how to golf. Teach him how to sew. Do a charity thing. Walk around town and challenge each other to compliment as many strangers as possible. Make sidewalk art with chalk. Suggest doing something that is important to him, unique to him, special to him.... and then do something that is special to you, giving as many opportunities as possible to watch how that person acts and reacts. The end all be all, is to keep it real. 

....and camping! For sure!!

For many women, insecurity is going to be the downfall of this theory (so could cockiness, but that’s another issue!). She might be nervous to get sweaty, nervous to have her hair messed up, or not be fast enough or witty enough or (blank-blank) enough. She’s nervous to make a joke, or look awkward.  If that’s you, start back at the beginning above! Following your dreams and doing what you love and that which inspires you simultaneously and effortlessly builds your confidence. Double whammy awesome :). 

The thing is... would you really want to be with someone that will tease you? Will make you feel clumsy if you fall? Will roll their eyes if you make a bad joke? Will judge your wrinkles rather than your soul? Would you really want to be with someone that tells you nice things but you don’t feel them?  If you want to be loved for just looking good and making the physical impression, then a dinner date is probably okay. Just be weary that you may be asking for someone that falls for how you look above who you are! And just as equally important, be mindful if you are doing those things to him. Society has impressed these reactions upon us to the point of habit. What we ‘should’ say or do, rather than what we actually want to, in order to be cool. Cool is waaaaay overrated! Advocate that!!! :) 

If doesn’t matter if you are gorgeous, smart, funny, wealthy, AND sexy.. no self-respecting man will want to be with a phony, and you shouldn’t either :). Self-respect is the key. Using your intuition (really listening to it), asking, questioning and really listening to the answers, and being authentic is the door.

And yes, it’s okay to think about this now, because the truth is, there’s no better time to work on your marriage than before you have one.

“I love being single” could imply many things. It could imply an inclination to cycle thru numerous sexual partners, a pattern of soliciting attention in order to boost self-esteem, a selfishness over not having to compromise, a protective veil over insecurity, a ‘fake it to make it’ lie one tells themselves to get through their loneliness.  It could imply any of those... or you could just ask “why”?  If someone says something that you don’t understand, ask. :)
You know what they say about assuming. It just makes an ass out of u and me ;) hhehe

I love being single, because I know I won’t always be, even though I easily could be.  

My future significant other will undoubtable be the most amazing man in the whole wide world.  I can say that with total confidence because, why not? The word “amazing” is subjective!!  It’s my wish that everyone out there should not only be with their ‘most amazing man in the world’ and be made to feel like they are to him too.  The word ‘amazing’ means a whole lot of different things to different people. You can’t take offense when someone isn’t interested, because if what they want isn’t what you have, that’s perfectly fine; he simply wasn’t the one.

I've no doubt confounded many suitors. We had a greeeeeaattt time!!! But...

My definition of amazing differs greatly from that of, say, a cosmo type magazine or probably of most women in general. Career man? Big Money? Nice car? I’m not interested in those. Normal? Average? Typical? Oh hellllll no!! hahha. The ‘package’ that he comes in will be a surprise, but without a doubt he’ll be a forever learner and house a beautiful, shining, radiant soul. A hardworking, energetic, kind, affectionate, compassionate, communicative, inspiring and most definitely an unconventional man.   I’m pretty averse to convention, you may have noticed :).  

Begin to love yourself first, and then share your authentic, unique, special gift and overflowing love allllllll over this world, especially with someone that appreciates and reciprocates it in their own authentic, unique, special way :) 


  1. I haven't been on FB in a long time. I loved this amazingly true posting from the most amazingly true friend that I love! I am going to send this on to my friends too. Sure, we all know this truth...deep down. But for many of us, it is easier to love outside ourselves & we take that easier/familiar route until the love scale is tipped so far in the direction of others that we make it almost impossible for others to love us back. Ironic? Yes. Reality? Yes. Self love does not have to be selfish. It is simply a requirement of living a happy, good, LOVING life! We have to breath our love in before we can breath our love out.

    1. And I love your amazingly reinforcing and supporting comments!!! Breathe love in, breathe love out--- awesome!! Thanks TP!!

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