Sunday, March 27, 2016

The Edge of my Comfort Zone

For a long time I didn't think my comfort zone had an edge. I operated under the given identity of  "fearless"  and when some different/new/odd feeling came up, it didn't register as fear.  

Why?  Because very little of my fear exists in the physical world. Sports, exercise, recreational activity of any kind?... piece of cake.  It's a shoo-in for me: if I'm feeling down, I can rely on my body to go do something awesome and impressive and it makes me feel great.

For basically the first 29 years of my life, the physical world was all I ever knew existed. That's all most of us know exists. But it's only 1/4 of our existence.  The mental, emotional, and spiritual worlds make up THREE-QUARTERS of our lives, and are THE MOST IMPORTANT AREAS OF OUR LIVES!!!! 

We hear about them more and more and more everyday. Thank goodness for Oprah, Brene Brown, Kristin Neff, Marianne Williamson, Wayne Dyer, Deepok Chopra, Elizabeth Gilbert and so many others for making this knowledge more and more mainstream. The thing they all have in common?? They continue to say THERE IS NO ARRIVAL!!! There is no such thing as "fearless"!!!!!! Fear never goes away, it just becomes easier and easier to recognize, to say thanks for alerting me to a situation I need to address, and I'll take the driver seat now!!!!! THIS IS SO AWESOME!!  But it's scary, in fact it's DANG scary, because these invisible parts of us are what we continue to want to  'hide' from others (and ourselves). 

Hide MY ASS.  

Hiding does nothing but create dis-ease on the inside, which over time become disease. 

My comfort zone, once I've allowed myself to acknowledge it,  is wrapped, maybe even swaddled, around my biggest fears: not being liked, accepted, really seen, understood, and the deepest, not being good enough. My striving to always be the best runs in direct correlation with my fear of not being good enough. 

I'm not okay with that!! Being the BEST version of myself is healthy, being the BEST so others will think I am OK is not.  I'm committing to living bravely, because I have a lot to do in this world and my fear recently started to drive my life! Living Brave, for me, is total transparency as I walk along this path of acknowledging my fear. It gets to have it's seat, as EG says, but it does not get to drive!!!  :) 

Friday, March 25, 2016

Being Positive :)

Being positive doesn't mean you don't get sad. It doesn't mean shitty things stop happening. It doesn't mean everyone will like you, or that you are immune to self-doubt. Being a positive person does not mean you must pretend you are on cloud 9 when you are not, or disappear until you get back up there.

I abandoned that knowledge this summer. I started doubting my dreams and was scared of the disappointment I might bring to those that admire me. I was feeling uncertain and unable to find the answers quickly, and my writings and postings became less and less while I tried to figure it all out. I started doubting that I was a positive person, because although I knew I'd emerge from my grey cloud, it was taking way too long for my liking, putting me on unfamiliar ground. This last month was the accumulative culmination of avoiding this new unknown uncertainty: a near death experience wrapped with piercing emotional pain. Life’s way of stamping the message on my heart:

I am trying to teach you something, will you learn it already?! 

I wouldn't wish what's been happening to me lately on anyone, but I swear I am so grateful, because it's opened my eyes to experience things I've unknowingly been unable to relate to, unable to see, unable to feel.  Through my grief, I'm able to understand how hard HARD can be.  How there can be no logic, no answers, and no explanation, but you have to keep moving forward.  I found that digging into your emotions and feelings can expose a hurt that was buried and unknown within you, and help bring it to light.  I got drilled with the truth that everyone, everyone, is doing the best they can with what they have and where they are in life... and that's just the tip of the iceberg for the good that’s come from this pain. I have so much to share. I love to share. I have to share. It’s an essential part of my being, and I was cutting it off at the knees by unwittingly only owning my 'fearless' side. I feel strongly that denying our fears and doubts aids in prolonging the pain, where as sharing (starting with acknowledging) helps us know we are not alone. Sharing breaks down the shame that grows in isolation. I also feel catapulted into doing what I've been putting off for YEARS, starting a VLOG!!!  

Yup, I'm doing it. And I have this flipping sucky awful low to thank for it... HALLELUJAH! I'm feeling the fear and doing it anyways! I may change my mind about it, because I do that, but it won’t be because of fear!!!!! I am NOT a perfect person, but for fuck's sake, I am a relentlessly POSITIVE ONE!!! I’M SO HAPPY I ALMOST DIED!!!!!!! It SUCKED, and I'm still under my grey cloud, but I feel SO ALIVE!! 

What is being Positive? Knowing our lives provide endless lessons to be learned, and searching incessantly for them. Being as open minded, curious and vulnerable as you possibly can to increase your chances of seeing and heeding those lessons, growing closer and closer to your true self whose very authentic existence improves our world. Being positive means utilizing any means, even using your vivid imagination, to see the good that can come out of every situation. And there always will be something good, Always. Even if it's just the ability to relate to someone else's suffering and be there for them one day. 

Are your lows trying to teach you something? Are you listening? Because I wasn't, and the struggle got worse and worse, until my body decided to harshly show me not to squander my true love of being seen and making a difference.

It’s not going to be easy, I still don’t know the way, I don't know the answers, but I'm committed to the search. To sharing what's going on in my life, because I don't want to be another success story who skimmed over the struggles, inspiring jealousy instead of community. I believe happiness comes from many avenues, including knowing we are not alone. Truth does change. I will change. I will fall... but for sure I will get back up. I hope you do too :)

We are all in this together!  

Without further adieu, here’s my first official Vlog :)  Yay! 

Tuesday, March 1, 2016

Hitchhiking Social Study

Our most recent #Hitchhiking adventure (an idealized day trip to #Portland) turned into mostly standing in the sun laughing, conversing, being silly... a sweet date really;). After two quick friendly rides from home (7 miles to the I-84 west bound on ramp), we stood for almost three hours with our thumbs out!! Inevitably, we began discussing the mentality and culture of hitchhiking. Our country is traversed with around 253 millions vehicles daily, mostly with one driver and plenty of empty seats, yet the idea of picking up a stranger going the same direction is crazy to so many. I understand, yet cannot, for understanding is to choose #fear.  It is to choose the tiny chance something creepy happens over the probable chance you have a nice encounter with an interesting human being, or at the very least help someone out in need. I understand there is a danger, but the actual danger is minuscule, while it is the fear that is ballooned disproportionately in accordance with the only stories you ever hear, the horrid ones. That's not #fair, and so I must shout out, ALL of my hitchhiking experiences, both being the hitch or picker upper, have been at least good, a lot great, and some amazzzing!  I loath the phrase, "better safe than sorry" because for bageezuz sake, shit happens even when we do every safe precaution ever advised!  Driving itself is more dangerous, especially texting and driving!!!! I talk about this not to urge people to do this without their total comfort (and some practical tips), but to even the playing field of stories being told. I simply cannot help but advocate for this lost art of sharing, connecting, and logical assistance that gets a bad reputation because we are read only one tiny paragraph of the giant novel. I am passionate about spreading THIS message: Strangers are simply friends we haven't met yet :). Not everyone who doesn't have a car is a criminal. Less cars= less traffic, less pollution, less gas. I love hitchhiking because it's just another opportunity to connect, trust, share, support, give and love (Joe loves it too, another reason why we were instant soul mates❤️).  Thanks for listening, thanks to the 3 friendly folks that gave us our short rides 
to & from the onramp (Steve, Tabitha and Pat!) and also Thanks world for ridiculously amazing scenery :). #pnw #soapbox #chooselove #fearisachoice #hitchhikingadvocate #bridgeofthegods #adventure #strangersaresimplyfriendswehaventmetyet