Being positive doesn't mean you don't get sad. It doesn't mean shitty things stop happening. It doesn't mean everyone will like you, or that you are immune to self-doubt. Being a positive person does not mean you must pretend you are on cloud 9 when you are not, or disappear until you get back up there.
I abandoned that knowledge this summer. I started doubting my dreams and was scared of the disappointment I might bring to those that admire me. I was feeling uncertain and unable to find the answers quickly, and my writings and postings became less and less while I tried to figure it all out. I started doubting that I was a positive person, because although I knew I'd emerge from my grey cloud, it was taking way too long for my liking, putting me on unfamiliar ground. This last month was the accumulative culmination of avoiding this new unknown uncertainty: a near death experience wrapped with piercing emotional pain. Life’s way of stamping the message on my heart:
I am trying to teach you something, will you learn it already?!
I wouldn't wish what's been happening to me lately on anyone, but I swear I am so grateful, because it's opened my eyes to experience things I've unknowingly been unable to relate to, unable to see, unable to feel. Through my grief, I'm able to understand how hard HARD can be. How there can be no logic, no answers, and no explanation, but you have to keep moving forward. I found that digging into your emotions and feelings can expose a hurt that was buried and unknown within you, and help bring it to light. I got drilled with the truth that everyone, everyone, is doing the best they can with what they have and where they are in life... and that's just the tip of the iceberg for the good that’s come from this pain. I have so much to share. I love to share. I have to share. It’s an essential part of my being, and I was cutting it off at the knees by unwittingly only owning my 'fearless' side. I feel strongly that denying our fears and doubts aids in prolonging the pain, where as sharing (starting with acknowledging) helps us know we are not alone. Sharing breaks down the shame that grows in isolation. I also feel catapulted into doing what I've been putting off for YEARS, starting a VLOG!!!
Yup, I'm doing it. And I have this flipping sucky awful low to thank for it... HALLELUJAH! I'm feeling the fear and doing it anyways! I may change my mind about it, because I do that, but it won’t be because of fear!!!!! I am NOT a perfect person, but for fuck's sake, I am a relentlessly POSITIVE ONE!!! I’M SO HAPPY I ALMOST DIED!!!!!!! It SUCKED, and I'm still under my grey cloud, but I feel SO ALIVE!!
What is being Positive? Knowing our lives provide endless lessons to be learned, and searching incessantly for them. Being as open minded, curious and vulnerable as you possibly can to increase your chances of seeing and heeding those lessons, growing closer and closer to your true self whose very authentic existence improves our world. Being positive means utilizing any means, even using your vivid imagination, to see the good that can come out of every situation. And there always will be something good, Always. Even if it's just the ability to relate to someone else's suffering and be there for them one day.
Are your lows trying to teach you something? Are you listening? Because I wasn't, and the struggle got worse and worse, until my body decided to harshly show me not to squander my true love of being seen and making a difference.
It’s not going to be easy, I still don’t know the way, I don't know the answers, but I'm committed to the search. To sharing what's going on in my life, because I don't want to be another success story who skimmed over the struggles, inspiring jealousy instead of community. I believe happiness comes from many avenues, including knowing we are not alone. Truth does change. I will change. I will fall... but for sure I will get back up. I hope you do too :)
We are all in this together!
Without further adieu, here’s my first official Vlog :) Yay!